Hello everybody, Its been awhile since I posted anything mostly because after 2 back surgeries, I have been rehabbing and trying to get better. But a funny thing happened to me a couple of months ago. My cousins daughter had a baby that was 12 weeks premature. From what I have read and I am no neonatologist but that is pretty dang early. These days 10 weeks and less (meaning closer to the predicted birthday) you have increasing chances of getting your baby home with no problems or complications. But fall on the other side of the knifes edge of that 10 week date to birthday and you get in to a real danger zone. It gets worse and worse the earlier its born, and my new Grandcuzchild was 2 weeks BEFORE that 10 week point and baby London was in some real danger in the first few weeks. But dang if our doctors didn't get her all together and well for her trip home in Jan. Pretty close to when she was suppose to be born. So she made it and is just a wonderful little child. Now I am no stranger to this pro-recreation process I did it twice myself (With some help from my wife) I have two beautiful sons 24 getting his engineering degree and my 19 year old just finished up his third semester and is taking a break with a new job at a major grocery store.
But thats not the point. The point is ever since London was born I have this urge to want to have another baby!! For my sons to have children so I can hug my grand-babies. My cousin already gave me permission to call London my Grand-cuz-baby but she is in Austin and I am in Southern California!
So I have desperately been looking for my baby tapes of my sons and I just found them!!! AND I have been watching Poopey babies on you tube for weeks now. Little boys, little girls newborns, 8 month olds twins and triplets. Fighting babies loving babies, babies with gas and babiesI have wanted to pick them up and comfort them, hug them and give them a stomach massage till you get that squirt-y poopey noise!! And those faces. I wish I could do it over again I would be a better father. Career dads just dump the baby in the moms lap and rush off to work, I wouldn't do that. I would have cut the cord. I would have stayed awake at all the nightly feedings. I would have changed more diapers and fed them all. I would hear the cry as a song from God, and enjoyed it , instead of "Hurry up and get the rocker going!" I love my dogs each and every one but they aren't human.
I want to enjoy every second of being a granddad!!
Friday, February 27, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Hell is the Life of a Long Term Pain Sufferer
I am coming out finally of a long term lower back pain issue, that I think, thank God is coming to an end. I am going to share some dark secrets of how alone a pain sufferer can be. How it feels to be looked at as some kind of weak human being, because you can't take an ibuprofen drink a couple of beers and go to bed.
I was always athletic from the time I was -2. I think I came out throwing a ball, and if I didnt, I was chasing it. Fortunately or unfortunately I missed out on high school sports because we moved out to the country, right in the middle of middle school to a school that didnt have a football program, and then into high school where I really wanted to play football (who in Texas didnt) but even at 15 I knew that the wishbone offense wasnt for a 125 lb skinny boy, no matter how fast I was or how good my hands were. At my high school a forward pass was something you did on a fake punt. I played baseball all the way up through Colt league but I came from really developed programs in the city to the country fields where you had to share the outfield with the dairy cattle. The point of all this is my body had very little wear and tear on it as I reached my 30's. I played intramural football, basketball and baseball in college, but that was nothing compared to friends of mine that had double knee surgery in high school.
I graduate college, and work for the military at a very remote place in the middle of the Mojave desert. Utah, Nevada, Oregon, Idaho, Arizona and California are all equidistant, from where this place is. That means very little to do besides work, except for sports. Work times were lax so you could play tennis or basketball at lunch and besides where were you going to after work? Might as well take an hour and a half at lunch and work a half hour late. The best things to do were to join every league I could get into because out here no matter what sport I was as good as any other worker out here. There was mens basketball, Softball, Tennis Club, snow skiing was just hours away and you could do it in a day. Golf was all year round. Running was big, hiking, and cycling. We had a friendly football game every season and if that wasnt enough you could race motocross all over the desert and the West coast.
Well this is all fine and good, and drinking a few beers after the big game was great enjoyable fun, but in my late 40's nagging injuries started to be more of a nag. But I soldiered on I had a high tolerance for pain. One year I had just started learning motocross and I was riding in the desert after work getting ready for a race a state over in California. I developed what I thought was a heat rash around where I carried my waterbag. After the race my arm was still killing me, I though it would go away after the race, but it didnt. So I go see my doctor and he tells me I have a HUGE tolerance for pain because my rash was the late stages of shingles and he had never seen anyone come in with that late of a case. So he prescribed some pain medication for it. That was the first time I had take it in a LONG time but I remember just one pill was fine. But that was an indication that I didnt wander in to the Dr.s office for any little thing.
About 4 years after that I had a large bone sticking out my foot. A spur I think, it was hard to ski with it and I had my first surgery. By now I am in my late 40's and I am still playing everything under the sky BUT when I would bust up an ankle or twist a knee. The Dr. would look at my chart and ask me about the level of pain medication. Fine I would say. Then at 48 I am running pass pattern playing with guys and I leaped into the air and come down on my knee and rip a large bruise in my thigh about the size of a small football. As normal I go snow skiing a week later, no problem. But now I notice my lower back is really starting to ache and a beer and a ibuprofen is no longer working. So over the next few years its getting worse and the Dr. has put me on a pain med program. But after awhile the back pain is increasing and I am going to physical therapy, which was a complete waste of my time and the therapist but hey they are getting their $100 a visit so shut up get on the treadmill stretch, do ice, and go home. I do this for months but didnt come close to using up my insurance for the visits.
THIS is when I start hearing whispers. "How much pain medication is he taking?" People think they are talking behind my back but I hear them and I understand exactly what they are getting at. When i went in to my Doctors office to ask to switch to something else I heard for the first time "we think he is addicted" I am no medical professional so even my mind is working against me. AM I addicted? Well all I have to do close my eyes at night and that roaring dull pain square in the middle of my back is NOT my imagination.
So now I arrive at the point where a TON of people get to I bet. I am HURTING! SOMETHING is wrong with my back! What I am taking is NOT WORKING! AND the Doctor, his associates in his office, the nurses and the staff are all whispering about my addiction. At this point everyone starts working AGAINST you because you are a USER and you are taking ADVANTAGE of the program. Even my wife is thinking I have passed over the edge!
At this point the pain is not going away, and life itself is starting (Starting?) to REALLY SUCK! Since there is no where else to go (this is in the late 2000's) and my pain is getting worse, I start DRINKING to subsidize the small amount of meds they WILL let you have. People who know you and have known you are all starting to gang up. You are looked down on and all the time nobody gives a rats ass how you feel! WHY should they? You are a drug abuser!
During the 2007 time frame a new (new to me) type of doctor came out. They may have been around in big cities but they werent around in my little part of the great plain basin, a PAIN MANAGEMENT doctor. I still dont know if these guys help or hurt you but they do like to string you along. I have no medication at point I have no medication and the Dr. starts you at a low dose of a stronger med than you were taking before. It doesnt matter that your pain maybe at a level that is 10 times worse than it was a year ago. The Dr. is not going to give you 10 times what you were taking before. So what happens is you find out that the pain medication works! For a little while you can almost behave normally! Most importantly if you ARE serious about treating your pain, you had better drop the alcohol at this point because if you are seriously going to treat your condition you can no longer drink and that might be forever.
But it doesnt take long for the Dr. to start treating you like the others. He gives you a small dose no matter how severe the pain is. Because our society is beating into the head of everyone that there are abusers EVERYWHERE and if we dont shut them down society will be in the toilet. There are watchers all over. IN FACT even the pharmacies are getting in to the shutting down the patient. If your doctor says you need medication now, and your insurance says you can have it now based on their restrictions, the PHARMACY WILL NOT DISPENSE until 3 days ahead of the 30 day mark of your last prescriptions! I DONT understand WHO made the Pharmacy GOD! BUT they overrule everyone now, your doctor and your insurance! Another line in the fight against the PAIN SUFFERER.
Dont get me wrong. There ARE abusers. There ARE forgetful aging adults, but there are sufferers who wonder what went wrong in life and WHY were they dealt this hand?
Just before the end of the decade I go into one of the best surgical places in the Western United Stated and see a back specialist, probably the 4th or 5th EXPERT I have been to. At this point it seems as there there is no option out side of surgery. So I have it done. My pain management Dr. says its 50/50 why dont you stay on your pain regimen. "Because I DONT WANT TO KEEP TAKING MEDS!!!" But the Dr. is out of my pocket and that doesnt help him. I go in for a procedure called FLEXIBLE FUSION.
After the surgery I dont feel like I am getting better no matter how much physical therapy I do. He puts me on a muscle relaxer, but that only makes me more dull.
Once in a MAJOR emergency I am stuck in an other state and my meds run out. I am in the HOSPITAL with a family member and I cant leave. I just go see one of the doctors and get my refill right? I have the bottle, no problem. BUT IT IS! Nobody will help and I end up driving 800 miles while going through withdrawls because the hospital wont lift a finger to help. THANKS Medical System!! For making people who suffer SO MUCH suffer even some MORE!!
A year later a family member suggests Rehab!! Its been 1.5 years and I am not better, I am addicted right! WRONG, my back did NOT take to the flexible Fusion and I suffer for 3 more years after the embarrassment of going through rehab with drug addicts.
Three years after the first surgery, I have REAL fusion, and go through all the post op crap everyone has to go through. And I almost went and had it at a smaller hospital and I FREAKED out and walked out just before surgery. So I go back to the world leader and have the real fusion.
I cant do anything for a year and then in to physical therapy. But this time I go to a MD of physical therapy. This doctor does 20-30 minutes of DEEP TISSUE massage and gets me feeling better. For the first time in a decade my back pain is not as apparent!! I start exercising and I feel better.
I am able to DROP 3 of the 4 medications I was taking! So after 8 years of this stuff and a failed operation, I AM GETTING BETTER. But when I think BACK to all the people who just JUMP on you because you have to take medication to take the pain away for just a little bit! WHO ARE these people and WHY are they SO HELL BENT on making you feel bad and small for WHAT!!??
I have started in my late 50's doing things I havent done for 10 years!!! I can SEE the end of the road for the medical processes I have had to go through for TEN YEARS!!
But what is SO SAD is, the question, "Is the system set up to HELP the chronic pain sufferer?" NO, and I wonder do they want to help? Or PUNISH you so much to the point you either END your life or just give in and become a life long sufferer. I CHOSE not to. But the system in this country is not set UP for the Chronic Pain sufferer to SUCCEED!! ON the CONTRARY, it is VERY MUCH SETUP for YOU TO FAIL and end UP suffering for the REST of your life!
I hope those who suffer like I have can find that very narrow road I have and climb out. Its THERE but over grown with Prescription TASK FORCES set up by the DEA, The FBI, and your local police to TAKE YOU OFF THE STREET!! The only thing was, I was never ON the street. But I was nearly PUSHED there by a system that I think is setup for me to FAIL!
BUT seeing the right doctor and having the right procedure is NOT a clear cut thing! I told my wife I almost wish I had CANCER because at least there is a path to take! I know that is not a clear headed think to say, and cancer sufferers will tell you they wouldnt wish that on anyone but thats HOW MUCH YOU GET BEAT down by EVERYONE even in the medical system as evidenced by the nurses that so QUICKLY labeled me as an addict. But I was NOT. And there are those of YOU that ARE NOT! You have PAIN and it HURTS and makes your life MISERABLE.
I just wish in this day and age of "Medicine for Everyone" that someone would STAND UP for those of us in PAIN!! GOD BLESS all of you!
Joe
I was always athletic from the time I was -2. I think I came out throwing a ball, and if I didnt, I was chasing it. Fortunately or unfortunately I missed out on high school sports because we moved out to the country, right in the middle of middle school to a school that didnt have a football program, and then into high school where I really wanted to play football (who in Texas didnt) but even at 15 I knew that the wishbone offense wasnt for a 125 lb skinny boy, no matter how fast I was or how good my hands were. At my high school a forward pass was something you did on a fake punt. I played baseball all the way up through Colt league but I came from really developed programs in the city to the country fields where you had to share the outfield with the dairy cattle. The point of all this is my body had very little wear and tear on it as I reached my 30's. I played intramural football, basketball and baseball in college, but that was nothing compared to friends of mine that had double knee surgery in high school.
I graduate college, and work for the military at a very remote place in the middle of the Mojave desert. Utah, Nevada, Oregon, Idaho, Arizona and California are all equidistant, from where this place is. That means very little to do besides work, except for sports. Work times were lax so you could play tennis or basketball at lunch and besides where were you going to after work? Might as well take an hour and a half at lunch and work a half hour late. The best things to do were to join every league I could get into because out here no matter what sport I was as good as any other worker out here. There was mens basketball, Softball, Tennis Club, snow skiing was just hours away and you could do it in a day. Golf was all year round. Running was big, hiking, and cycling. We had a friendly football game every season and if that wasnt enough you could race motocross all over the desert and the West coast.
Well this is all fine and good, and drinking a few beers after the big game was great enjoyable fun, but in my late 40's nagging injuries started to be more of a nag. But I soldiered on I had a high tolerance for pain. One year I had just started learning motocross and I was riding in the desert after work getting ready for a race a state over in California. I developed what I thought was a heat rash around where I carried my waterbag. After the race my arm was still killing me, I though it would go away after the race, but it didnt. So I go see my doctor and he tells me I have a HUGE tolerance for pain because my rash was the late stages of shingles and he had never seen anyone come in with that late of a case. So he prescribed some pain medication for it. That was the first time I had take it in a LONG time but I remember just one pill was fine. But that was an indication that I didnt wander in to the Dr.s office for any little thing.
About 4 years after that I had a large bone sticking out my foot. A spur I think, it was hard to ski with it and I had my first surgery. By now I am in my late 40's and I am still playing everything under the sky BUT when I would bust up an ankle or twist a knee. The Dr. would look at my chart and ask me about the level of pain medication. Fine I would say. Then at 48 I am running pass pattern playing with guys and I leaped into the air and come down on my knee and rip a large bruise in my thigh about the size of a small football. As normal I go snow skiing a week later, no problem. But now I notice my lower back is really starting to ache and a beer and a ibuprofen is no longer working. So over the next few years its getting worse and the Dr. has put me on a pain med program. But after awhile the back pain is increasing and I am going to physical therapy, which was a complete waste of my time and the therapist but hey they are getting their $100 a visit so shut up get on the treadmill stretch, do ice, and go home. I do this for months but didnt come close to using up my insurance for the visits.
THIS is when I start hearing whispers. "How much pain medication is he taking?" People think they are talking behind my back but I hear them and I understand exactly what they are getting at. When i went in to my Doctors office to ask to switch to something else I heard for the first time "we think he is addicted" I am no medical professional so even my mind is working against me. AM I addicted? Well all I have to do close my eyes at night and that roaring dull pain square in the middle of my back is NOT my imagination.
So now I arrive at the point where a TON of people get to I bet. I am HURTING! SOMETHING is wrong with my back! What I am taking is NOT WORKING! AND the Doctor, his associates in his office, the nurses and the staff are all whispering about my addiction. At this point everyone starts working AGAINST you because you are a USER and you are taking ADVANTAGE of the program. Even my wife is thinking I have passed over the edge!
At this point the pain is not going away, and life itself is starting (Starting?) to REALLY SUCK! Since there is no where else to go (this is in the late 2000's) and my pain is getting worse, I start DRINKING to subsidize the small amount of meds they WILL let you have. People who know you and have known you are all starting to gang up. You are looked down on and all the time nobody gives a rats ass how you feel! WHY should they? You are a drug abuser!
During the 2007 time frame a new (new to me) type of doctor came out. They may have been around in big cities but they werent around in my little part of the great plain basin, a PAIN MANAGEMENT doctor. I still dont know if these guys help or hurt you but they do like to string you along. I have no medication at point I have no medication and the Dr. starts you at a low dose of a stronger med than you were taking before. It doesnt matter that your pain maybe at a level that is 10 times worse than it was a year ago. The Dr. is not going to give you 10 times what you were taking before. So what happens is you find out that the pain medication works! For a little while you can almost behave normally! Most importantly if you ARE serious about treating your pain, you had better drop the alcohol at this point because if you are seriously going to treat your condition you can no longer drink and that might be forever.
But it doesnt take long for the Dr. to start treating you like the others. He gives you a small dose no matter how severe the pain is. Because our society is beating into the head of everyone that there are abusers EVERYWHERE and if we dont shut them down society will be in the toilet. There are watchers all over. IN FACT even the pharmacies are getting in to the shutting down the patient. If your doctor says you need medication now, and your insurance says you can have it now based on their restrictions, the PHARMACY WILL NOT DISPENSE until 3 days ahead of the 30 day mark of your last prescriptions! I DONT understand WHO made the Pharmacy GOD! BUT they overrule everyone now, your doctor and your insurance! Another line in the fight against the PAIN SUFFERER.
Dont get me wrong. There ARE abusers. There ARE forgetful aging adults, but there are sufferers who wonder what went wrong in life and WHY were they dealt this hand?
Just before the end of the decade I go into one of the best surgical places in the Western United Stated and see a back specialist, probably the 4th or 5th EXPERT I have been to. At this point it seems as there there is no option out side of surgery. So I have it done. My pain management Dr. says its 50/50 why dont you stay on your pain regimen. "Because I DONT WANT TO KEEP TAKING MEDS!!!" But the Dr. is out of my pocket and that doesnt help him. I go in for a procedure called FLEXIBLE FUSION.
After the surgery I dont feel like I am getting better no matter how much physical therapy I do. He puts me on a muscle relaxer, but that only makes me more dull.
Once in a MAJOR emergency I am stuck in an other state and my meds run out. I am in the HOSPITAL with a family member and I cant leave. I just go see one of the doctors and get my refill right? I have the bottle, no problem. BUT IT IS! Nobody will help and I end up driving 800 miles while going through withdrawls because the hospital wont lift a finger to help. THANKS Medical System!! For making people who suffer SO MUCH suffer even some MORE!!
A year later a family member suggests Rehab!! Its been 1.5 years and I am not better, I am addicted right! WRONG, my back did NOT take to the flexible Fusion and I suffer for 3 more years after the embarrassment of going through rehab with drug addicts.
Three years after the first surgery, I have REAL fusion, and go through all the post op crap everyone has to go through. And I almost went and had it at a smaller hospital and I FREAKED out and walked out just before surgery. So I go back to the world leader and have the real fusion.
I cant do anything for a year and then in to physical therapy. But this time I go to a MD of physical therapy. This doctor does 20-30 minutes of DEEP TISSUE massage and gets me feeling better. For the first time in a decade my back pain is not as apparent!! I start exercising and I feel better.
I am able to DROP 3 of the 4 medications I was taking! So after 8 years of this stuff and a failed operation, I AM GETTING BETTER. But when I think BACK to all the people who just JUMP on you because you have to take medication to take the pain away for just a little bit! WHO ARE these people and WHY are they SO HELL BENT on making you feel bad and small for WHAT!!??
I have started in my late 50's doing things I havent done for 10 years!!! I can SEE the end of the road for the medical processes I have had to go through for TEN YEARS!!
But what is SO SAD is, the question, "Is the system set up to HELP the chronic pain sufferer?" NO, and I wonder do they want to help? Or PUNISH you so much to the point you either END your life or just give in and become a life long sufferer. I CHOSE not to. But the system in this country is not set UP for the Chronic Pain sufferer to SUCCEED!! ON the CONTRARY, it is VERY MUCH SETUP for YOU TO FAIL and end UP suffering for the REST of your life!
I hope those who suffer like I have can find that very narrow road I have and climb out. Its THERE but over grown with Prescription TASK FORCES set up by the DEA, The FBI, and your local police to TAKE YOU OFF THE STREET!! The only thing was, I was never ON the street. But I was nearly PUSHED there by a system that I think is setup for me to FAIL!
BUT seeing the right doctor and having the right procedure is NOT a clear cut thing! I told my wife I almost wish I had CANCER because at least there is a path to take! I know that is not a clear headed think to say, and cancer sufferers will tell you they wouldnt wish that on anyone but thats HOW MUCH YOU GET BEAT down by EVERYONE even in the medical system as evidenced by the nurses that so QUICKLY labeled me as an addict. But I was NOT. And there are those of YOU that ARE NOT! You have PAIN and it HURTS and makes your life MISERABLE.
I just wish in this day and age of "Medicine for Everyone" that someone would STAND UP for those of us in PAIN!! GOD BLESS all of you!
Joe
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